Halloween has always been my favorite three months out of the year. From September through November, I decorate, send cards and sing carols all in the spirit of the season. So it’s easy to understand my excitement with the influx of vampire popularity in the past few years and now, I delight in the recent surge of zombies in popular culture.
An Ace Hardware store in Lenexa, Kan. has not only found a way to jump on the zombie bandwagon but has also managed to make me laugh out loud. Westlakehardware.com currently has devoted an entire section of their “I Need Help With…” section to zombie preparedness, a genius marketing move that has gained the store national attention, while managing to maintain a sense of humor.
Not only are there frequently asked questions from humans trying to stop zombie attacks, with inquiries like “How do I stop a zombie from breaking into my home?” or “Several zombies have fallen into my swimming pool. What’s the best way to get them out?” but zombies also have the opportunity to pose questions like, “What types of tape can I use to repair my decaying zombie body?” Valid.
During a zombie attack, I hope to remain human and this site assures me that “The rise of the undead doesn’t have to be my imminent demise,” showing me a wealth of tools and supplies from gloves and protective gear to soundproofing materials to “avoid zombies altogether by reinforcing my home against undead intruders.” While informative, I have compiled my own list of items that I feel might be extremely useful during such a trying time.
And so I pass this comprehensive list unto you lucky readers; things I want with me during a zombie attack:
· Twister, “The game that ties you up in knots” – Come on, nobody can think of eating brains when they’re playing Twister, right? And you can always wait until the zombie has left foot blue and then use your staple gun purchased at the Westlake Ace Hardware store to secure his foot to the floor and then run. It’s a win-win.
· Silly String – To fit in with the whole party theme, why not let the zombies believe you’re having a good time with 400 feet of fun in a can when coupled with a simple Bic lighter, turns into 400 feet of molten, colorful napalm.
· Micro Pig – These teacup pigs are almost as cute as my dog, almost. Still, the cuteness will create a diversion for the zombie, giving you enough time to exit out the back door. I heard that zombies also like micro bacon. I’m kidding, please don’t suggest that I’m suggesting animal cruelty. (I also heard that micro bacon is a key component of the Micro McMuffin – OK, I’m kidding again. I’ll stop.)
· Martha Stewart – I just feel that Martha Stewart would have the upper hand in not only annihilating a zombie, but also turning his skull into a lovely decanter. Additionally, have you actually looked at some of her “cooks’ tools?” Don’t think for a second that a Martha Stewart Collection apple corer wouldn’t be an awesome way to remove the heart from a heartless zombie.
· Creamed Corn – More hideous than a zombie, yet with the same consistency as a brain. Additionally, it’s delicious.
· The Boyfriend Arm Pillow – Yes, I actually just referenced my own Culver City News column from last week but I thought it was hilarious and thought you should relive the magic.
· My dog, Rico Tubbs – Named after one of the greatest characters in one of the greatest television show of our time, little Rico failed out of doggie obedience class just last week. Some might look at this as bad, however, I feel his behavioral issues might just make him the baddest little zombie fighter around, as he goes straight for the jugular in a surprise attack because his little face makes you think he’s so cute and innocent. You’d be wrong about that.