Q: My 5-year-old daughter has gone through several big transitions this year. We’ve moved, a grandparent passed away and now she’ll be going to preschool. She seems to be acting out more, too. What can I do to help her through this?
A young child’s ability to adjust to change or make transitions whether expected or not depends largely the child’s temperament and the way in which the adults handle the new situation. While some children can move from one activity or stage to the next with few problems, others have a more difficult time. Children going through transitions may often act out in unpredictable ways ranging from tantrums, social or emotional withdrawal, regression, toilet accidents, clinginess or disrupted sleep schedules. The good news is that there are things parents and other caregivers can do to help children cope with change.
- Know your child: Be accepting of the child’s temperament. Understanding your child’s initial reactions to new stimuli or situations, adaptability over time and intensity of reactions will help you prepare and respond to the child.
- Prepare appropriately: Some children require more preparation and warning of impending change than others. For instance, one child who may be headed to kindergarten in the fall might need to talk about what that might be like –what will the classroom look like, where is the school, who will be the teacher or will there be any one he/she knows. For other children, discussion this far in advance can cause unnecessary anxiety and prolonged adjustment. Parents should start a conversation by sharing small bits of information at a time, and then waiting for the child’s response. Be cautious about giving more details than the child may need, but answer all questions honestly and age appropriately.
- Be patient with yourself and the child: If your child is slow to warm, give the child the time and space to adjust. Refrain from pushing the child into situations too quickly. A great deal of clinging can make parents uncomfortable, but by gently encouraging and showing faith in the child, his/her confidence will grow and soon, the child will be off and running.
- Validate and empathize: Parents who take the time to put themselves into their child’s shoes have a clearer understanding of the feelings of the child. Validate what’s going on for the child and empathize from a place of true understanding. After all, most adults can recall a time when change or a new situation was difficult.
- Create a list of possible solutions: Even very young children can come up with some ideas of things that might help them cope. Give their ideas power by writing them down and letting them choose one of the options to try.
- Show faith in your child: It’s encouraging to children when they know the parent believes in their ability to handle the situation. “I know you are anxious right now, but I believe in you and know you’ll be just fine.”
- Reinforce and affirm the little successes: When a child has any success at all in overcoming anxiety or transitioning to a new experience, let him/her know it was noticed. “I noticed that you were anxious about going to a new school and now I’m hearing how much fun you had.”
Children can be empowered and encouraged to handle big transitions. By utilizing the above tools, you will also feel empowered and can know that you are giving your child the necessary skills to successfully handle change.
Marni is a PCI Certified Parent Coach®, Certified Positive Discipline Parent and Classroom Trainer & Family Consultant. Call her at (310) 435-3622 or visit acoach4parents.com.