There is no bigger energy drain than arguing with someone. The amount of energy we put into a heated debate never matches the energy we get back. While we may get an elevated, adrenalized feeling while it is happening, an argument does not create common ground or inspire us. While it is tempting to get into battles of wrong and right, it is worth wondering if there is a better way to do things.
The good news is that there is a more empowering approach to life. It is a simple, effective, energizing way to be. We start by realizing that proving others wrong, or proving ourselves right, does very little to change situations. What changes the world is showing up feeling empowered and energized with enthusiasm. This way of living does not require approval from others and allows us to be ourselves without waiting for the world around us to change.
When we are prone to anger or harsh words, it is rarely for the reasons we think. If we stop to think about it, we realize that we were upset before we ever encountered that slow car on the road, or the long line at Starbucks. These things have simply highlighted the way we were already feeling. Thus, by taking time to reflect on how we feel, and nurture our own sense of well-being, we avoid contentious arguments and unnecessary power struggles.
This is a skill we teach to the students in our district. It is liberating for students to develop a strong enough sense of self that they can listen to others without feeling threatened or feeling compelled to dominate others with their perspective. They learn that it is a sign of inner strength to be able to live by values and character traits that have proven to be true for us, while allowing others to do the same.
There was a student who was often combative about completing work with me. It was tempting to engage in the negativity he was putting out. After I learned more about his home life, his behavior started to make sense. He was surrounded by challenging and often combative behaviors at home. He was compensating for the powerlessness he felt in his personal life by struggling to be in a position of power at school. Knowing this made it easier for me to focus on creating a nurturing, understanding environment while making sure that he was getting done what he needed to do. Over time, his behavior improved and our sessions became more productive. I came away feeling less drained than had I tried to prove to him that I was right and he was wrong about the way he was feeling and behaving.
Perhaps you have some relationships in which you have been spending excessive energy trying to be right. By dropping the struggle and simply knowing who you are, you will find new levels of freedom immediately. Arguments take us further from who we are by reinforcing a sense of reliance of the opinions of others. By knowing what is true in our hearts, and living by that truth, we will be far more influential than any words spoken in anger could ever be.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, to find out more go to www.DarrellandEd.com or send an email to: EdwardBiagiotti@ccusd.org