After much consideration, I have boldly decided to break the “dude code” and invite the ladies to take a troubling, perverse look inside the mystifying mentality of the male animal.
At the risk of being ostracized by my band of brothers, I will now unashamedly pry open the vault to expose the twisted psyche of men. What you are about to read will undoubtedly cause unspeakable nightmares.
And females throughout the country, be aware, when you confront your man with these undeniable truths, he will, without a doubt, deny the legitimacy of my acknowledgments. A stern warning to the fairer sex, proceed at your own risk!
Let us start with something you probably already suspected. Without your unsolicited supervision/nagging, men will always wash whites and darks together—with little regard for the outcome. Frankly, we just do not give a damn. It is simply worth the gamble of turning your favorite designer silk white top into a tie-dyed hippie rag so we can avoid doing two loads instead of one.
As you will unfortunately discover, several of these well-kept secrets are based on a simple truth—guys are passionately devoted to wasting time, and doing laundry interferes with that trivial pursuit. Ladies, do you seriously believe that we actually give a flying fig if our shirts don’t match our pants or shorts? (Not counting when a male is on the hunt for female companionship.)
If you don’t believe me, try this—travel to Vegas this February on Superbowl weekend where the presence of women is extremely scarce. You will, of course, discover roving groups of dudes consuming obscene amounts of alcohol and acting like adolescents. Check out their attire. It will be an eye opener for you, Miss Naiveté, I promise.
Now for a revealing list of activities guys take part in all the time to make their lady happy, however, they absolutely loathe— swap meets, farmers markets, stage plays, quaint gift shops, bed and breakfasts, shopping, family get-togethers, long walks, chick-flicks and Cosmo quizzes.
Most partners would prefer a digital prostate exam from Paul Bunyon. And here is a little ditty that might convince some vindictive gentleman to put a bounty on my head—guys hate Valentine’s Day.
And lovely, but misguided women, if your man is devoted to watching football, baseball, or basketball, please, don’t attempt to gain understanding of the sport so you can spend “quality time” together viewing a game. It is equivalent to stabbing one of his eyes out with an ice pick. He will not be able to fully concentrate on the event with you peppering him with insightful questions such as “Did he just kick a touchdown honey?” or “Why is that man putting his hands under the other guys butt?”
There’s an age-old implied contract between a loving, committed couple—we’ll leave you alone when you’re putting on your face, taking a bubble bath or talking to your mom on the phone, and you refrain from pestering us when watching any sporting event, ever.
Oh, there is much more chickadees, however, I believe that is quite enough for our first session together. Please do me a favor, do not show this article to him. It will cause a gender clash when he vigorously denies these irrefutable facts, which I have humbly presented you with.
Also, there is the slight chance your man knows me or can discover where to find me and that could prove painfully ugly—for me.