For you younger folks, it’s probable you are clueless regarding some of the great comic superstars from days gone by. When it comes to witty one-liners two of my favorite all-time comics are Phyllis Diller and Groucho Marx. Here are some of their classics!
Phyllis Diller: Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Groucho Marx: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? I have nothing but respect for you… and not much of that. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Room service? Send up a larger room. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five! From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? Why, I’d horse-whip you… if I had a horse. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. If I held you any closer, I’d be on the other side of you. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Taking someone’s pulse) Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along. Whatever it is, I’m against it. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Quote me as saying I was
For those old fogies out there you may remember this. Phyllis Diller’s very first television appearance ways back in 1957 on the Groucho Marx talk-game show You Bet Your Life. You can Google Groucho Marx Phyllis Diller and watch a YouTube clip of that meeting of Groucho and Phillis. It will be worth your time!