Honestly, have you ever gone to a grocery store and bought items you didn’t want or need to camouflage the item you were there to buy? Confused? You need a box of Depends Adult Diapers at the local market (no, I don’t use them…YET!) However, you are extremely self-conscious and you know many people who shop there. So you buy a 4-pack of Progresso soup, a 3-roll pack of Bounty paper towels, breakfast cereal, eggs, peaches and a pound of ground beef to surround and cover up the “hush-hush” item and conceal the fact that you occasionally wet your pants due to an enlarged prostate and weak bladder. Don’t feel guilty, most folks older than 60 need disgusting, repulsive over-the-counter items that they would rather do without. It goes with the territory For these sticky situations, you need to be prepared with a plan in case a neighbor or co-worker spots you in the store aisle with your cart and the humiliating rubber panties.
Here are a few suggestions: “Oh, these are for our dog to wear in the house. He just had surgery and can’t control his bladder.” Since man’s best friend is unable to talk, he can’t bust you down the road. Also, if you don’t have a dog, using the cat as a substitute will not work. If you have an extremely understanding spouse at home who loves a good practical joke and will get a big kick out of your cowardly deception, you could try this: “Oh, those are for Jenny, she’s having some female problems you know.” Good luck with that one, dude. Of course the most obvious response would be: “Wow, how did those get in there. That elderly woman in aisle six must have put them in my basket by mistake.” Of course no one in their right mind will buy any of these lame excuses. And if it is a co-worker who busts you, everyone in the office will be aware of your little secret by noon the following day. When did life get so complicated
One Sunday a few years ago before my early morning run, I decided to stop at the local CVS store and pick up some beer for a buddy and me to drink while we watched football later in the day. I strolled in the place walked to the cooler, grabbed a 12-pack of Corona and proceeded to checkout. The checker, a middle-aged woman who has worked there for many years, glanced down at the beer then looked at me. “I’m sorry sir, you can’t buy beer yet, it’s too early.” I smiled, assuming she was making a corny joke. “Sir, you cannot purchase alcohol in California between the hours of 2:00 am and 6:00 am. If you wait another fifteen minutes (she pointed at the clock reading 5:45 am), I can sell you the beer.” I got a strong vibe that she believed I was going to pop open a bottle the second I exited the store. Since I was a regular customer and saw the woman frequently, I wanted to set the record straight and clear my good name. I protested, “Oh, I never knew that. I wasn’t going to drink it now anyway. I’m going for a run and just wanted to save some time. A friend and I will be drinking much later in the day. No problem, I’ll come back. I really don’t drink this early you know. I’ve never bought beer this early.” She flashed a maternal smile and calmly replied, “It’s okay sir, you can drink anytime you like, I just can’t sell it until 6:00. Come back anytime you like.” Great, now she thought I was a drunk who was lying to her to hide the fact that I drank booze at 5:00 am every day. My clumsy, feeble attempt to rationally explain the early purchase had backfired big time. Now, whenever I see her on my trips to CVS she smiles sweetly and waves to me, much like a concerned grandmother. I picture her thinking, “I sure hope this drunk will be okay someday!” I digress. Other then Depends and alcohol, there are many other delicate products that might cause awkwardness if seen by the wrong individual. There’s Rogaine, hair dye, Metamucil and related products, hemorrhoid suppositories, athletes foot treatments, rash ointments, cigarettes, certain magazines and denture cream. If you must purchase one of these necessary articles and are fortunate enough to avoid running into anyone you know, don’t let your guard down. You still must maneuver the check stand and be lucky enough to stay clear of the dreaded store-wide PA price check announcement. What is a man’s worst nightmare in a grocery store you ask? “Price check on extra-large economy box of tampons at check stand 3!”
