Help, I’m being held hostage
To all readers—I am being held hostage by four highly-motivated, spirited, committed women. They’re armed with flowery-decorated spray cans of room deodorizer (Tropical Ocean Breeze scent, I believe) and large plastic spatulas.
They’re demanding that I write a convincing, serious article for the Culver City News, voicing their concernsor they will force me, with the business end of their burger-flippers, to watch 24 continuous hours of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
The agitated ladies are fed up with repulsive men over 50, who demonstrate adolescent behavior, extremely poor clothing choices, exasperating bad habits, and watching endless hours of mind-numbing TVsports programming on weekends.
I can tell they are deadly serious by the amount of my Malibu Rum and Grey Goose Vodka they are consuming. Here are their demands!
Old men must never again:1) Wear tight T-shirts if they sport a beer belly.2) Wear t-shirts with juvenile, idiotic sayings such as, Old Guys Rule, I’m With Stupid (with arrow pointing to the side) or I’m not old, I’m vintage. 3) Wearbike shorts, “skinny jeans” hoodies, flip-flops, novelty ties, Speedos, corduroy jackets with patches on the elbows, scarfs, or sports jerseys with someone else’s name on back. 4) Display a Mohawk, mullet, comb-over, man-bun or ponytail.5) Drive their convertible cars on the freeway with the top down (especially if you have a young chickadee sitting next to them). 6) Use a Fanny Pack or pierce a body part. 7) Get drunk and post inappropriate pictures on Facebook (Google Geraldo Rivera).8) Use a photo of yourself at 25 for your profile picture on Facebook. 9) Post a Facebook picture of yourself working out at the gym, attempting to surf, playing blackjack in Vegas or making a muscle with your arms while standing in shallow water at the beach (especially if you are wearing a speedo). 10) Refuse to cut your ear and nose hair.11) Eat with your mouth open. 12) Make sounds like a wounded rhinoceros while eating. 13) Scarf your food down and leave the table before we sit down. 14) While we women are present, burp, fart, snort, scratch your privates, pick your ears, nose or touch your feet.15) Ask us to pull your finger then fart.16) Leave the seat up or relieve yourself in the shower. 17) Put on face paint for sporting events. 18) Watch more than one hour, that’s correct, one hour of any sports program. 19) We don’t care if it’s the Super Bowl, World Series, Kentucky Derby, the Masters or Sumo Wrestling…one hour!20) Invite your grubby, greasy, foul-mouthed, ignorant buddies over to watch your “sports-hour” without our permission in advance.
You must agree to these conditions or we will deny you those satisfying pleasures that you crave the most…beer and meat. We demand that you attempt to age with grace and humility, not shame and humiliation. You are no longer in high school, college or back on the block with your lowlife buddies. You are a senior citizen now, so act your age for once!
Well, the ladies have gone now. They polished off both bottles of my hard stuff and staggered out the door, screaming at me, “If this thing is not in the Culver City News next week, we’re comin’ back, and you better have more booze, loser!”
Don’t panic, they called Uber.