As the years whiz by, I become more aware of one of life’s simple truths —— you must possess a great sense of humor to cope with the ups and downs of the aging process. Why? Simple, you’re probably getting weaker, fatter, grayer and slower, not to mention having memory loss and the need for more costly medications (prescription and over the counter), and much more booze.
Also, your ungrateful, vulture-like family is lurking around the corner waiting for any opportunity to have your driver’s license suspended so you can’t visit them. Then, after a short time they’ll unceremoniously stick you in some flea-infested nursing home in Upland and if you’re lucky they will visit you every other Christmas. Thanksgiving will be better—they will have a bucket of extra-crispy chicken with mashed potatoes delivered from Kentucky Fried Chicken to you 89-square-foot room. After all they will be quite busy squandering your life savings remodeling their oceanfront home in Malibu Beach. Maybe I’m getting a little carried away, but you get the picture. I say, learn to laugh in the face of impending doom. Okay, so I’ve watched way too many movies.
With this sobering thought in mind, here are some bumper stickers you might have missed the last time you took your 1947 Packard for a spin. Hopefully these will cheer you up a bit.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going! I’m not old, I’m extra crispy. I may be old, but I got to see all the cool bands. Welcome to the stone age – gall stones – kidney stones – bladder stones Florida—God’s waiting room At my age…”Gettin’ any?” means sleep. Cremation? Think outside the box. In dog years, I’m dead! Time may be a great healer… but it’s a lousy beautician. At my age flowers scare me. Enjoy life, it has an expiration date. Over what hill? Where? When? I don’t remember any hill. We have pension sex…a little each month but not enough to live on. You know that SOCIAL SECURITY they keep takin’ out of your check? Well, it’s goin’ to me! Since you enjoyed those so much, here are a few re-released musical hits especially for baby boomers. “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra “You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores “A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles “Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman’s Hermits “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who “Bald Thing” by the Troggs “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revival
Now that you have a smile on your face, I will leave you with one of my favorite sayings: “It’s not what happens to you in life, it’s what you do about it.”