By Pete Whalon
For a short period of time, I’m going to pretend we don’t live in an uptight, waiting to be offended, political-correctness-run-amuck society. Translation — I’m going to be brutally honest with you, so prepare yourself. When broaching the delicate subject of comparing women to men, on any level, I generally tread lightly. It’s a potentially, volatile minefield of miscommunications, hurt feelings, menopausal outbursts, misguided logic and irrational squabbles.
Most men would rather be sucker-punched by J. J. Watt (defensive end for the Houston Texans) than argue with their female counterpart (counterpart means “equal,” ladies, so settle down). I’m already in trouble, aren’t I?
A recent conversation with a female friend piqued my interest in one aspect of the stark, innate differences between guys and dolls, I mean girls, uh, women. I proceeded to cautiously explain why a group of more than three women are incapable of sustaining a scheduled event with the same ladies, for a period of six months or more.
For this exercise, let’s imagine four well-adjusted women around the same age, who decide to meet for dinner on the first Monday of each month. The trouble begins the first time one of the regulars’ cancels. Over a bottle of wine at dinner that evening the subtle observations will begin, culminating in a full-blown assault on the missing member.
It generally starts with a casual comment from one of the threesomes after the merlot kicks in. “Did you see the dress Sally was wearing last month? I didn’t know she shopped at the Good Will.” The floodgates are open, fire at will, take no prisoners!
At the absent Sally’s expense, the trio will delightfully share previously unknown secrets concerning every aspect of their missing “friend’s” life. However, if Sally returns next month and Brenda is not in attendance, guess what happens? It’s just a matter of time before Brenda tells Sally what Kim said, or Kim tells Sally and Becky what Brenda said, and the ticking time bomb explodes. Before you know it, the party’s over and the friends are all back home on that special Monday evening each month eating meatloaf and making small talk with their boring, pot-bellied husband.
Of course, after enlightening my friend on female group dynamics, she asked the obvious question. “What about men? Doesn’t the same thing happen to them, wise guy?” To irritate her just a tad more I replied, “Of course not!”
Get out your pad and pencil ladies and jot down some notes. When a woman runs into a friend she hasn’t seen in awhile who has put on a few pounds, she will usually respond, “wow Linda, you look great, have you lost weight?” A guy in the same situation would brutally reply to his buddy, “geez dude, eat a salad once in awhile, you look like a baby blimp, you’ve gained twenty pounds man.” That, my friends, is one of the major, fundamental distinctions between the sexes. We make derogatory, deprecating, belittling remarks to each other’s face all the time. We don’t need to gossip. Since most dudes don’t have a death wish, we never use the same approach with females. We talk like chicks when conversing with chicks. It’s that simple ladies!
I just reread this for errors and I realized I can’t send this in. It’s just not safe for me. However, no time to write another. So, I was really drunk when I wrote this and it’s not true!