“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” – Plato
There are many ways to get your point across. You can boldly speak your truth as soon as it enters your mind. You can also begrudgingly remain silent, hoping that withholding your opinion will prove a point. A third option is to feel the fullness of whatever is coming to you, and then reflect upon it before acting or speaking.
The last approach might not feel as dramatic as the other two, however, you would be surprised how effective it can be. While the loudest person in the room often wins the battle, the one who is willing to take the time to reflect on her thoughts, accesses a bigger picture. From a broader perspective, it is not a question of winning and losing. Instead, the question is, “Will these words or actions take me closer to my desired destination?”
When I was in my early teens, I experienced a great lesson. I was at my friend’s home, with one other buddy, and we had just finished skateboarding around the neighborhood. Sweaty and exhausted, we plopped down on his front stoop while he went inside to get us something to drink. When he emerged he held three cups.
My friend told us that two of the cups contained Kool-Aid, and the third only water. At that time, the Kool-Aid was more desirable and I desperately wanted one of the cups full of the delicious grape flavored beverage. My friend informed us that he would be drinking one of the cups with Kool-Aid and that he would choose who got the other cup without telling us which one it was.
At that time, I believed that the other boy was cooler than me in every way. I also believed that I was lucky to be skating with them in the first place. So when my friend handed the other fellow his cup, I assumed he had received the Kool-Aid. I was so desperate to get that Kool-Aid that I chased him down and tackled him. Unfortunately, it did not take long before I discovered that the boy I had just tackled was holding the water and my friend had intended for me to have the Kool-Aid.
This story is poignant because when we speak or act hastily, we are not seeing the whole picture. Typically, an impulsive reaction, such as the one I indulged in, is rooted in the fear of not being seen or heard. It comes from a fear of not getting what we want.
As we mature, we begin to feel more secure in the world. We relax into our skin and gain a sense of trust that our needs will be met if we are patient. For many of us, maturing requires a conscious choice to see things through this new lens. With practice, and the help of others, we begin to relax and open the door for more of what we desire to enter our experience.
For our students, the ability to reflect before taking action is a valuable skill to develop. This is especially true when the thoughts that go through their heads are not self-supportive. Developing a habit of positive self-talk takes time. The first step is learning to stop and listen to our thoughts before reacting.
Last week, one of my students was called out for behaving inappropriately. Another student told me about it in front of the class, and I could see, by the look on his face, that he was feeling embarrassed. Shortly after, he started acting defiantly towards one of my assistants, refusing to complete his work, and using colorful language.
While it was tempting to engage in a power struggle with him in order to force him to comply, we instead took a step back. We let the student have some time to come down from his emotional upset before asking him to reflect on his actions. By allowing this time, my team was able to model for him what it is like to step back and think about things from a neutral position.
If you find yourself feeling provoked, take a breath. Give the chemicals in your brain a chance to calm down. Think about the bigger picture and what you really have to gain from speaking, or remaining silent. After a few moments of reflection, new ideas and new energy will be available to you. Once you feel the rush of fresh possibility, you are well on your way to positive outcomes.
Edward Biagiotti is the Inclusion Specialist for Culver City Unified School District. He is also co-host of the popular radio show, Funniest Thing! with Darrell and Ed, to find out more go to www.DarrellandEd.com.
