I’m sure you are all familiar with those Happy New Year letters friends and families often send each year. They usually begin, “It’s been a great year for the Smith family!” Then there’s a beautiful picture of the whole family smiling, nestled in front of a fireplace with all members wearing a Santa hat…even the dog.
They go on to describe just how magnificent and successful every single member of their family has been over the past year. Next comes the description of their individual fantastic accomplishments over the past 12 months.
‘Hi Pete, hope all is well. Bill received a promotion at work and has doubled his salary. Hawaii here we come! With his bonus check we bought the twins matching BMW’s for Christmas.
‘Bill also ran his first marathon and finished first in his age category. Mary published her first cook book titled, Family Cooking with Mary and it is now number five on the New York Times best seller’s list. She’s cheerfully working on book two. Little Billy is off to Stanford where he will be the starting quarterback for the football team.
‘And the twins, now seniors in high school, were named co-valedictorians this year. A few months ago while Bill was walking our award-winning French Poodle along the beach, they saw a young child drowning in the surf. Fluffy Princess broke loose from her leash and leaped into the waves, swam to the child, gently grabbed her arm and pulled her to shore.
‘Fluffy was named “Dog of the Year” by the SPCA and was on the cover of Modern Dog Magazine. A big time Hollywood producer is now working on the screenplay for the movie; Fluffy P: a hero dog’s life’ — Happy New Year.’
I actually enjoy those updates from friends, however I wish people who maybe didn’t have such a great year would also send them out to keep me updated, but I understand that will probably never happen. I realized years ago that only people who have done quite well send out these literary works to friends and family.
What about those of us who were not so successful and fortunate or just had a bad year? So I have created a not-so-cherry letter that an extremely ill-fated friend or family member might send. Just for fun here’s a letter from your Uncle Sadsack!
“Greetings family and dear friends: I have truly enjoyed receiving your year in review letters over the years and I am sincerely thrilled and pray that your prosperity and good fortune continues for the years to come, thank you.
“Unfortunately, my year has been a little rough. In January I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome and Mad Cow Disease. I was hospitalized for a few weeks and during that time a roving hospital gang of hip replacement patients stormed my room, pulled out my IV tube and stole my television remote, bedpan, wallet and clothes. Before leaving an elderly member of the gang with a lazy eye and a drool cup around his neck grabbed the carton of chocolate milk and Jell-O cup from my tray and whispered in my ear, “Tell the nurse and we’ll yank out your catheter punk!”
A few weeks after being released from the hospital, I decided it was time to resume exercising and drove to my usual parking place at the beach and got out of the car for leisurely run. A scruffy-looking homeless guy with missing teeth, stringy hair and a patch over one eye approached me. Before he could speak I said, “Sorry man I don’t have any money on me.” He countered with, “I don’t want money, a_ _hole, I want your car.” I started laughing thinking he was making a joke.
He wasn’t.
It proved incredibly unlucky that I had encountered the only homeless man in the world with a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu and Taekwondo. I didn’t see the first kick to the side of my head; however, I clearly saw the knee to my chest and the fist to my jaw on my way down to the pavement. I lost consciousness just as he jumped into my car.
The last thing I remember is the thug snickering as he barked, “Dude, thanks for the crappy car, oh, by the way, your nose is bleeding, loser.” Being called a loser by a homeless man with one eye can be quite humiliating! I was hospitalized for 13 days.
By September, the beginning of football season, I was severely depressed although my attitude had been improving as the season approached. During my hospital stays I had developed a foolproof system for betting on NFL football games. As opening weekend approached I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm. Things were looking up. I was now able to eat solid foods; my limp was on the mend and my pain medication addiction had no negative side effects that I could see.
I implemented my betting system on week one of the season. It proved disastrous. Week two I tweaked my system and doubled my bets attempting to recoup the $2,000 I had lost the past week. Unfortunately after losing $3,000 in week two I realized my system needed a tad more tweaking. Without going into all the gory details each week got progressively worse. By week seven of the season I owed so much money to so many people the judge gave me a choice, jail or gambling rehab. I opted for rehab.
Anyway, things are rapidly improving and my future looks bright. As I write this update I am just completing my fifth week of Degenerate Gamblers Anonymous (it’s for folks who need a more intense approach than Gamblers Anonymous) in a rehab center in beautiful Bakersfield. I do have to run now. Two of our councilors and three other degenerate gambler patients and I are involved in a wicked no-limit game of Texas Hold‘em. I’m down $3,600 but I am sure my luck will soon change.
Happy New Year, Uncle Sadsack.