I am puzzled as to why Americans seem to end up spending hard-earned dollars on really stupid stuff. Do we really need a Slap Chop? How about a ShamWow? Has anybody ever died from not having a ShamWow? So I guess I shouldn’t be so amazed when I see that people have spent money on really worthless stuff, however, this item I’m about to rant over really leaves me sitting here with a giant question mark hanging over my head. I’m talking about theBoyfriend Arm Pillow, a pillow shaped like a giant arm, attached to a torso, which holds the lucky individual throughout the night without needing any real human companionship. Yep, people are living in cardboard boxes on the street but, somehow, will find enough cash to purchase items like this. Hey, at least they won’t feel alone.
I’m going to go out on a “limb” here (woo hoo, how often is that pun pertinent?) and say that the Boyfriend Pillow just plain freaks me out. Not only does the arm end in a small pasty hand that reminds me of the Depeche Mode-clove-smoking boyfriends of my youth, but the half portion of the button-down shirt covering the pectoral-less chest is out of a “Saw” movie. If I were to hunker down with the Boyfriend Pillow after a long day at work, I somehow don’t imagine that I’d find a disembodied torso comforting or conducive to dreams filled with sparkle ponies. Even if this pillow claimed to be crafted from a Vaseline- and plaster-covered Ryan Reynolds mold, a faceless torso wrapped around you isn’t ever the stuff dreams are made of.
I really hate to think about some poor soul forking over $30 of their hard-earned recession tears to find comfort in what could be a prop left over from the local spook alley. After finding this pillow online, I admittedly had to know more and searched amazon.com, where customers say, “I spritz a little bit of Axe body spray on the ‘torso’ and wrap that arm around me for a long, blissful night of rest that previously would have been available only to my married friends.” Other happy customers say, “The Boyfriend Pillow loves to do the things you like to do! It even loves to watch “Project Runway”/ “Top Chef Desserts”/ “Mad Men”/ “American Idol”/ “Dancing with the Stars!” I don’t mean to belittle those who actually have found comfort in the Boyfriend Pillow, but I’m having a tough time understanding how this isn’t totally disconcerting in one’s bed or watching one’s favorite TV show. Not to mention, if the nose-clogging scent of Axe body spray is what gets you going, there are a lot of deeper issues to perhaps discuss.
Don’t think the ladies are having all the fun, fellas; you’re not alone. While women are enveloped in the warm embrace of the Boyfriend Pillow, guys can cozy up to the Girlfriend Pillow; same concept utilizing the whole arm/torso thing. However, it seems the Girlfriend Pillow has a bonus: The pillow sports “two round-shape cushions on the surface that gives a breast-like sensation.” The description continues, “If you can’t sleep unless you have some breast to support your head, this is the right pillow for you.” There are people who can’t sleep unless they have some breast to support their head? Have I missed key evidence reported from the local university sleep lab, conducting extensive research on the direct correlation between insomnia and the lack of cranio-sacral breast support for the head? Rave reviews about the Girlfriend Pillow say “If you are a lonely man who craves the closeness of the female form, think only the torso and right arm of a woman is sexy or just want a pillow with breasts, then this is the product for you.” Personally, I find the Girlfriend Pillow’s eerie yellow hand next to a couple of cartoon-like boobs a little too much Marge Simpson-smuggling-a-couple-of-mangos-out-of-a –grocery-store.
So here’s the deal: I’m totally convinced that stupid crap keeps selling because people are buying that stupid crap even though we should really be socking away extra cash in the event of an emergency. I’m not a tightwad, I’m not even all that excessively frugal, but I can make a distinction between a “want” and “need.”
Somehow, I can’t seem to see how anybody would either “need” or “want” severed limbs to keep them warm at night. Wouldn’t having the dough to pay the rent and maybe take a real live person out on a date be so much more satisfying? Either that or maybe when it comes down to each individual, the economy isn’t quite as scary as, say, a disembodied torso?
