And the winner is…. WHO CARES? I realize I’m treading on thin ice here. I also appreciate the fact that the majority of Americans look forward to and enjoy watching famous people hugging and kissing each other and telling them just how magnificent they are. The granddaddy of all this twaddle, the Academy Awards, is fast approaching and millions of folks will be glued to their big screens sipping wine, munching on nachos and ordering pepperoni pizza, anxiously awaiting the suspenseful opening of the next envelope.
In 2013 there were an astounding 187 awards shows televised in the USA (go to www.actualschedules. com and at top left type in award shows for full listing). That’s one show every two days for one year. Can you spell egomaniacal or narcissistic or superciliousness? Granted, many of these extravagant productions were minor events such as “The 7th Annual Spike Guys’ Choice Awards 2013” (Spike TV) and “The 5th Annual Teen Nick Halo Awards 2013” (Nickelodeon). But come on, enough is enough with the self-adoration. Stop with the sycophantic introductions and fawning speeches. We get it–you’re all fantastic, compassionate humanitarian super heroes, benevolently sharing your craft with the minions. Thanks for nothing!
Hey, hoity-toity TV producers and directors, how about scheduling some award shows dedicated to everyday hard working citizens, those who go about their jobs with a deep seeded work ethic, quiet dignity and humility. Instead you hoist on a pedestal recovering druggies with six unsuccessful stints in rehab and a dozen arrests for various indiscretions. Maybe you need a little assistance, a nudge to get your creative juices flowing. I’m thrilled that you asked. Here are a few modest proposals.
Instead of the Oscar, present the “Garbie” at an extravaganza recognizing garbage collectors throughout America. Categories could include “Best Driver” awarded to the hauler who dumped the most tonnage for the year. “Best Collector” presented to the working stiff with the fewest sick days in 2014. You chumps are paid big bucks to be creative, so take this ball and run with it.
Here are a few more ditties, submitted for your approval: The “Hacky” given out for the top cab drivers. The “Angler” presented to the finest commercial fisherman. The “Winger” bestowed on the best flight attendants. You get the picture. Create an award show for the little guy, “Joe Six Pack,” “Dick and Jane”–the anonymous men and women who keep the global wheels churning day after day. Of course, the realist in me knows that day will never dawn.
What bugs me the most is the overblown phoniness of these events. Everything and everybody is the “greatest,” the “kindest,” the “most inspirational,” the “finest,” and on and on and on. And next year different people, same scintillating adjectives. I can specifically trace the genesis of my cynical position on these productions back to 1996, the year “The English Patient” won best picture. I bought into the unrelenting hype and went to see the movie. Not only was it not the best picture that year, I wouldn’t rate it in the top 100 films of 1996. Now that eighteen years have passed, I dare you to watch it again. I’m willing to bet that you can’t sit through the entire debacle without falling asleep or shutting it off. I digress…again.
As is the case with all television programming, there were 187 award shows in 2013 because the top dogs know people will watch, sponsors will buy advertising time and networks will cash in. Capitalism at its best. Of the 187 award shows last year I watched one, the Academy Awards. I can’t help myself- -I’m always keeping my eyes peeled for the next English Patient!
Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.