I know that it’s Thanksgiving and while people are all sitting around for their turkeys to not cook on time and the family is feuding over Cool Whip vs. Reddi-Whip on their pumpkin pies, I like to reflect on the really important things in life at this time of year.
Shopping.
Maybe I’m a horrible person for spending my Thanksgiving holiday mapping out the logistics of locating 75%-off Old Navy sweaters between now and Christmas; I can’t help it. It’s in my blood. I’m a card-carrying member of the Church of Nordstrom and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Though I am a self-proclaimed shopaholic, I am forever irritated about Black Friday and the sales and the people who go to these sales at o’dark-thirty in the morning. What’s more, the after-Thanksgiving shopping frenzy has polluted my Internet, making me unable to properly surf pop culture and sleazy gossip.
With that, I present to you the stupidest Black Friday deals I could find online. OK, so technically, Black Friday is for camping out in person, which will carry you through the weekend until you can hop online for Cyber Monday sales, but who’s counting? Maybe these will appeal to some, and if that’s the case, I apologize for insulting you. However, some might find this list a service – if you’re looking to give something lame to the person who already has a bunch of other lame stuff.
For the outdoorsman in all of us (yes, even me. Ha! That is a lie I can’t even tell with a straight face) basspro.com has Black Friday deals on a number of items fit to help you saddle up your big blue ox and head into the wilderness. Perhaps one of the most disturbing Black Friday deals is on Scent-Lok pocket bibs for men (only $139.99.) This basically resembles a rugged, camouflage “onesie” that manly men don just before they hunt moose. Or puma. Or squirrel. This is the “lightest…scent-controlling outerwear on the market,” which seriously concerns me that the closely-held scent of a sweaty mountain man killing animals might be too overwhelming that it may need pairing with the “4-Layer 1-Hole Face Mask” (also available from basspro.com.).
For folks with kids, here’s a great toy that will teach them to work hard in school and earn a scholarship: the Trash Pack Trashies Garbage Truck. These toys are essentially collectable figurines, all resembling some kind of icky creature you might find lurking in the bottom of a Dumpster (complete with cute little identities like Trash Cat, Soggy Tomato, my ex-boyfriend… OK, well maybe not that last one). But at least they’re slightly motivating in that you can look at a Trashie and then educate your kids that they will never be as gross as Awful Pie or Rotten Egg. Hey, in my day, we begged our parents to shell out for Garbage Pail Kids, c’est la vie.
For the crafters out there, Michaels has 50% off a glitter tray for this holiday season. “Just hold your project over the tray, pour on your glitter and once done, tip the tray back into your glitter bottle.” Isn’t this kind of just like a plate? You know, a basic old plate? Like, a dish? I’m wondering the level of scrapbooker out there who just needs a glitter tray so badly, it’s all they want for Christmas. How big is this tray? Will it hold my dog as I pour glitter over him to deck my halls? These are the things I stay awake at night wondering about.
The lists go on and on and on. Google Black Friday and you’ll get a number of sites devoted exclusively to this “holiday” of deals. And good luck to those who can shake a Thanksgiving hangover enough to wake up at 3 a.m. the day after; I hear that in stores, Target has a smoking deal on a four-slice Belgian waffle maker.
Holly Braithwaite is the communication director at Utah System of Higher Education. She lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, with her miniature pinscher, Rico Tubbs.