Dictionary.com defines the word “expert” as ‘a person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field, specialist, authority.’
I’ve come to the stark realization that much to my surprise, I’m actually an expert on many varied subjects. I arrived at this conclusion by watching network and cable news and commentary shows over the years. The expectations begin when a TV host promises, “stay tuned because coming up next is the foremost expert on dieting, who will help you discover the secrets for losing weight and staying healthy.”
Wow, now I will understand how to shed some flab and be educated on maintaining a healthy lifestyle in the process. Then appears Dr. Blowhard from Harvard and proceeds to astonish the viewing audience with ‘never-known’ facts on dieting and healthy eating. Thanks for nothing, Doc, I never knew that ice cream, Snickers bars and potato chips were loaded with sugar, fat and calories, and are not good for your health.
And you could have knocked me over with a feather when you so eloquently shared the secrets about not overeating at meals and cutting back on bread, butter and soft drinks. Gee whiz, Mr. Smartypants, I’m so glad I didn’t miss this riveting display of nutritional facts that I had actually learned in the third grade from Mrs. Fleener.
Little did I realize that I have been an expert on dieting since 1957. How does that make me an expert on dieting you ask? Because I knew everything he stated during the four-minute, rhetoric laced interview. As an expert I will now share with everyone, in a three-word nutshell, the essence of dieting—EAT LESS FOOD! There, now you are also an expert on the subject… welcome aboard.
In case you need some professional advice, I am also an expert on child-care, college and professional football, dogs, WWII, military histories, cats, camping, politics, swimming, running, working out, writing, movies, poker, roulette, craps, sports wagering, painting, gardening, sleeping disorders, women (just kidding, no man can claim this), soccer, traveling, driving, shopping, baseball, the Vietnam War, vacuuming, dusting, pest control, weather prediction, sarcasm and much, much more.
Impressed yet? Don’t be. Those are just all the subjects I recall seeing experts over the years inform me of stuff I already knew. Please, enough with calling someone an expert who has a rudimentary working knowledge of a subject. Being on television or writing a column in the newspaper (except for me) does not qualify you as an expert.
If you noticed, I did not list brain surgery, skydiving, geology, physics, deep-sea diving, forensics or topiary because those are skills that take extensive training and acquired talents obtained over long periods of time. The categories I qualify as an expert in are gained by everyday life experiences, or Googling “gardening” and reading a few articles on soil preparation, sunlight and watering of plants — especially in today’s world where information is just a fingertip away for all to see.
Of course, an important element of being invited on TV as an expert is sounding and projecting yourself as an authority on the subject. Since most hosts have the intellectual capacity of a stale peanut it shouldn’t be that difficult to pull off. Even if you declare something that is completely false, as long as you deliver with a tone of superiority and vast knowledge, the interviewer will nod their head in agreement with a genuine gaze of understanding.
“And remember, lots of sugar is actually good for your toddler.” Host: “Wow, thanks Dr. Quacker, I never knew that, but it makes total sense, that’s awesome. Coming up next an authority on children, who warns that swimming lessons are actually bad for your kids, and children running with scissors is a great form of exercise.”
In an attempt to clear up any confusion, here are a few quotes on experts: *If an expert says it can’t be done, get another expert ~ David Ben-Gurion. *An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter. *If stock market experts were so expert they would be buying stock, not selling advice ~ Norman Ralph Augustine.
* Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively ~ Laurence J. Peter. *People often say to me, I don’t know anything about dance. I say, Stop. You got up this morning, and you’re walking. You are an expert ~ Twyla Thar. *My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert and then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself ~ Henny Youngman. *An expert is someone who has succeeded in making decisions and judgments simpler through knowing what to pay attention to and what to ignore ~ Edward de Bono.