There are certain occasions or encounters in life that undeniably defy rational explanation and absolutely drive me crazy. As we proceed, raise your hand if you’ve committed one of these “crimes against humanity” in the past six months. And if you have, repent now and vow never to repeat these thoughtless, inconsiderate deeds again.
Your elevator reaches the ground floor, the doors open and there in front of you stand six clueless, insipid zombies blocking your departure. Realizing they are preventing you from leaving the iron box, they begrudgingly make a small passageway to allow for your exit. If it happens to be your first time ever waiting for an elevator, I’ll give you a pass. If not, allow me to instruct you on the proper protocol when waiting for the container to arrive. First and foremost always assume there will be one or more people inside who will need to get out. Next keep your fat rears to the side allowing them adequate space to vacate. Why–because you can’t get IN until they get OUT…simple, you would think. My favorite part about this exasperating ordeal is when I’m alone and the doors open to a motley gaggle of disenchanted mugs gawking at me as if I were standing in an intersection naked, blocking traffic. Just once, as the doors part, I would love to scream, “Surprise, it’s occupied you dolts, so move your sweaty carcasses aside!” In summation, when you are impatiently waiting for an elevator, stand back and allow room for departing passengers. Okay block heads?
Upon entering a retail establishment (Burger King, Home Depot, Costco, Trader Joes, Starbucks, Ralphs, Fred & Ethel’s Greasy Grill, etc.) you optimistically seek out a responsible, conscientious member of the staff for assistance. You are hopeful for a knowledgeable, well informed employee who will make your stay short, pleasant and stress free. Spin the wheel of fortune and see what appears. Will they be friendly, pleasant, arrogant, sarcastic, smug, rude, passive-aggressive, illiterate, clueless or proficient? Oh, too bad, it’s an ill-informed, pimple-faced, teenage slacker who would rather be out surfing then answering questions from a gravity-challenged Baby Boomer with a college degree. Sorry, you lose! Your rudimentary inquiries are met with blank stares and one word responses. “Excuse me, where are your lighting fixtures?” Dufus responds, “What?” You politely counter with, “You know, lighting fixtures” as you point to the ceiling. He reluctantly parries, “Uh, aisle 11 or maybe 22, uh, no, ask someone else cuz I’m going on break, later dude.” Why are conversant, friendly, helpful employees the exception to the rule instead of the standard? Correct answer, “Cuz dude, I ain’t gonna make this stinkin’ job my career so why waste my time?” That’s what I thought!
Your cable goes out again so you fiddle with the remote for a while. Then sadly it’s time for the dreaded phone call to the faceless cable company and the painfully grueling process of attempting to connect with a “real live” person on the line. It’s equivalent to maneuvering drunk and blindfolded through a minefield. Odds are you will frustratingly hang up before navigating your way through the irksome recorded options maze. It’s a chess match between frustrated customers and diabolical corporate management bigwigs attempting to prevent you from breaking the code. I’ve always believed that just before connecting to an employee with a pulse, a recording should acknowledge your achievement. “Congratulations, you have solved the mystery of our live interaction phase and will shortly be connected to a trusted representative who you will have difficulty understanding. But before connecting you, please answer our little one hundred and twenty-two question audio survey. And if we unfortunately lose our connection, please call back tomorrow.” These corporations are banking on the American public’s short attention spans and lack of patience. I’ve discovered that the quickest way to resolve your problem is to threaten to cancel your account and switch to a competitor. That usually gets you to the next level where “Slick Willie” will attempt to sell you more programming by signing you up for the Bavarian Sports Package. Whenever possible, kick ‘em in the wallet! And for your information, sarcasm rarely works.