Since 1920 the NFL has played football games on Thanksgiving Day. Traditionally, the league has the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions hosting games every year. However, in 2006 the NFL added a third game to their Thanksgiving Day schedule. Now we are treated to NFL football from 9:30 a.m. to 9 p.m. This holiday schedule creates serious roadblocks for football junkies like myself, who desire to watch all three games uninterrupted. Impossible? Yes, although it is my unattainable goal each Thanksgiving. Over the years I’ve developed certain ploys and deceptions to aid in my duplicitous aim. For the first time I reveal my “trade” secrets to assist my fellow addicts in this year’s preparation.
Of course, everybody’s situation is different, so you must evaluate the risks verses the rewards of having your family and loved ones turn on you like a pack of ravenous wolves because you’re sitting on the couch alone, drinking beer and watching the game. For some strange reason it appears watching television on turkey day is a crime against humanity in the mind of most women. They prefer “quality time” bonding with family over the bliss of a forty-yard touchdown pass from Romo to Cruz. And don’t expect to be able to watch all three games that day. That will not happen. Remember, there is a meal planned, and you will be present for the carving of the bird! I’m usually content with watching two out of three gridiron battles.
If you are fortunate enough to have young kids, bribery is a valuable tool for these occasions. The day before your gluttonous feast, take your dutiful son aside, slip him a five-spot, then fill him in on your malevolent plan. Turn it into a playful game and maybe offer a bonus if your scheme succeeds. “Hey little Johnny, tomorrow, when we get to Grandma’s house I want you to do daddy a special favor. When I say the word “unicorn”, you go tell mom quietly that you want to watch the Cowboys game at one-thirty. Tell her that all your school friends are watching the game and you want to be able to talk about it with them on Monday. Don’t take no for an answer. If she asks you if daddy put you up to this, say nope, and give her a hug, but don’t laugh.”
Chances are mom will not turn down little John-John’s curious request. Unfortunately, this tactic is only good for one year. I put the odds of this devious ploy actually working at about 50-50. Hey, it’s better than engaging in a mind-numbing conversation with uncle Oscar concerning his recent colonoscopy results and enlarged prostate. Of course if plan A fails, courageously move on to plan B.
Since these annual holiday games are enormous TV rating events the half-time shows are always magnified, presenting well-known celebrities and flamboyant productions. It’s vital that you capitalize on this opportunity and promote the half-time extravaganza to instill excitement and enthusiasm in the female members of your congregation. Of course, it’s necessary to convince the unsuspecting house mother to turn on the tube early (real early) so they don’t miss the anticipated production. Also, you must accept the possibility that the volume might be muted. However guys, having a picture is preferable to a black screen. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Glory to the electronic explosion of the last decade. Armed with an arsenal of tech gadgets, you can now sneak off to the bathroom with the electronic device of your choice and catch the last two minutes of the Packers-Lions game without ever being missed. Faking a dramatic, “phantom” stomach issue the evening before might make it a little easier to explain multiple bathroom trips during the course of the day without raising suspicion. If you are exceptionally daring you might place your iPhone in your lap at dinner and cover it with your napkin. Then, every time you wipe Aunt Bertha’s mouth-watering stuffing from your mouth or fake cough you can glance down to check the score. This risky maneuver is not recommended for beginners!
The chances you are willing to take are directly correlated to how badly your compulsion is for watching NFL games on holidays. I’ve attempted more than a few foolish stunts over the years in my ill-advised quest for turkey-day, pigskin, couch time, but that’s a story for another day. I do realize the games can be recorded for future viewing; however, I’m unable to enjoy any sporting event where the outcome has been decided. There is fantastic news I’d like to report, just in case you are unaware–Christmas falls on a Wednesday this year, so no need to create cleaver, puerile diversions for our next holiday.
Pete Whalon, author of “The Siagon Zoo” has called Southern California home since age five.