Since grade school I have enjoyed looking up unknown words to discover their meanings. I am also intrigued by a variety of word usages and the complexity of the English language. Two of my favorite “figures of speech” are oxymorons and puns. The dictionary defines oxymoron as: noun 1. a figure of speech in which opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined (Ex.: thunderous silence, sweet sorrow). 2. (general) a contradiction in terms.
As with many other literary and rhetorical devices, oxymorons are used for a variety of purposes. Sometimes they are used to create some sort of drama for the reader or listener, and sometimes they are used to make the person stop and think, whether it’s to laugh or to ponder. Below I’ve compiled an interesting list of oxymorons.
Great Depression-jumbo shrimp-clearly confused-act naturally–pretty ugly-definitely maybe-living dead-walking dead-only choice-alone together-virtual reality-random order-original copy-disgustingly delicious-run slowly-awfully good-small crowd-dark light-open secret-passive aggressive-appear invisible-awfully lucky-big baby-tiny elephant-goodbye reception-growing smaller-least favorite-true myth-typically weird-unpopular celebrity-liquid food-heavy diet-quiet presence-short wait-sweet agony-paper towel-one man-band-poor health-plastic silverware-recorded live-only choice-same difference.
Here are a few oxymoron quotes from notable people. “I am a deeply superficial person” – Andy Warhol. “She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on.” – Arthur Baer. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton. “The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it.” – Donald Trump. “I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing.” – Edith Konecky. “Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it.” – Irene Peter. “Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.” – Josh Billings. “I can resist everything but temptation.” – Mark Twain. “It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” – Mark Twain. “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.” – W.C. Fields. “I never said most of the things I said.” – Yogi Berra. “Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes?” – Yogi Berra.
For me, a bad pun is funnier than a good joke. Definition: Pun-noun: the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words. Here are a few dumb (but funny) puns for you to chew on.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!) Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
What you seize is what you get. I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too.
Cannibals like to meat people. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Gardeners always know the ground rules. I know, this stuff is silly and corny; however, it brings a smile to my face. I hope it does the same for you.