The definition of a Centenarian is someone who has lived to be 100 years old. In my humble opinion, this is one of the most discriminated and neglected groups throughout the United States. Can you imagine the untapped knowledge and experience bottled up inside this disregarded, underappreciated group of individuals? That ends today! I am announcing the formation of an exploratory committee to create the world’s first Centenarian Olympics. The only qualification being that the participants must be at least 100 years old. Men and women will compete together due to the fact that, at their age, (come on) it is sometimes impossible to differentiate between the genders. The competition will be called The Methuselah Games and held in Palm Beach Florida (since that’s where most of these old coots live). The rules, as well as the events, will be kept simple for obvious reasons. Event 1: 20 meter Paper Chase–This will be a timed event. Each contestant will begin the competition lying flat on their back in a Posturepedic bed provided by COCO (Centenarian Olympics Committee Organization) with a newspaper placed 20 meters in front of them. At the sound of the extremely loud buzzer, they will disconnect their IV’s, get out of bed, take their meds, put on their orthopedic slippers, select the proper pair of glasses from the table next to them, mix and completely drink their morning dose of Metamucil, change and dispose of their Depends, put on their housecoat or bathrobe, shuffle, hobble or limp (no canes, walkers, or wheelchairs will be allowed for this event) to retrieve the large print newspaper, then return to bed and open the paper to the obituaries. Note: if a contestant falls asleep or dies during the competition, they will be immediately disqualified. Event 2: 40 meter Walker Hurdle Relay–Each team will consist of four members who presently use a four-legged COCO approved walker. Modified walkers will not be allowed. Cane or wheelchair users do not qualify for this event. At the sound of the ridiculously shrill bell, team walker one will proceed down the hall of the convalescent home for 10 meters, stepping over both hurdles on the way: hurdle 1–a bedpan (empty and clean, of course); hurdle 2–a six-pack of Ensure. They will then pass the walker to team member two and so on. The first relay team who gets all four walker legs over the finish line will be declared the winner. Also, both hands of the competitor must be on the walker as it crosses the line. Single-handed walker holders will be disqualified. Fallen racers may not be assisted by nurses, team members, convalescent home residents or their parents. Other events being considered include: Medical Marathon, where contenders will complete a series of assessment stations manned by doctors who will perform basic exams such as obtaining a urine sample (required minimum of 4 ounces), eye exam and the eagerly anticipated rectal examination. This will be a timed event, so contestants are encouraged to drink lots of coffee to prepare for the urine portion of this grueling competition. Next, the Individual Tech Dash, testing technological capabilities of the elderly challengers. This includes connecting to the internet on an I-pad, ordering a pizza delivery using a cell phone and locating the History Channel with only a television and TV remote at their disposal. Also being discussed is the controversial event, Silence is Golden. In this unique competition, all qualifiers are seated at a large round table with palms flat on top. One by one, contestants will be eliminated as they break one of the strict rules. Last old fogey seated wins the event. Causes for disqualification will be: coughing, sneezing, wheezing, yawning, scratching or picking at any body part and finally breaking wind (audibly only, aroma will not be a factor). Please note that falling asleep, passing out or passing away will result in automatic exclusion from this event. I sincerely hope this Olympics will finally bring some long overdue respect and appreciation to this overlooked group of valued citizens. I can’t wait until I turn 100 (in 37 years). I’m going to start assembling a four person team soon and begin training for the 40 meter Walker Hurdle relay in 2049.