If you’ve read my stuff in the past then you know I’m a big fan of sarcasm. The key to good verbal acerbity is wit and subtly. You must avoid being cruel and nasty although it proves a thin line separating the two. For your pleasure I have compiled a few sarcastic gems you may find helpful in your quest for unbridled cynicism.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Well, aren’t we just a ray of frigging sunshine? Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, is he? Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. Do I look like a frigging people person? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. You! Off my planet!! Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control. I like dogs too. Let’s exchange recipes. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? I wish for a world of peace, harmony, and nakedness. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…? I’m not crazy; I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Better living through denial. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? Back off! You’re standing in my aura. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too! One of us is thinking about sex… OK, it’s me. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door No. 2? Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.” Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic just like you. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
This is a mean and damned cruel world and I want my nappy and medication right now! Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me? I plead contemporary insanity. And which dwarf are you? I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
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POSSIBLE TAGS:
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
Now we know why some animals eat their children.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.